It begins as an uneasiness that I push down and pretend is not there. I busy myself with chores. This time I cleaned our entire garage in four hours. That night when I laid down to sleep, proud of my accomplishment, there was the question sitting like a rock in my gut waiting for an answer. Taunting me, telling me I could clean for weeks and never escape until I faced it. The question? What did I have to say about New Years? I rolled over and went to sleep having no idea.
The next day I tackled loads of laundry and more miles on the treadmill and elliptical than I had ever done. This time instead of sleeping I turned on the TV and watched The Kennedy Center Honors. Halfway through the show I realized I had been smiling nonstop since I had switched it on. Seeing the lifetime achievements of artists passionate about their work brought an undescribable joy to me. Is that what I had to say – follow your passion in the new year? Maybe.
I have four people who I consider my teachers. Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, Sue Monk Kidd and Oprah. Their understanding of life is far beyond mine and I often turn to their words to learn. Tonight I browsed Oprah’s website knowing I would find what I was looking for. I did.
When I asked myself how I felt about this new year and if I was going to set any goals or resolutions one phrase came to mind. I am going to be me. I am going to be the real me, not the me I think some people want me to be or the me that has to play a certain role. I am going to be 100% me and if that means considering my feelings before others than so be it. Why? Because I finally realized how much inner turmoil I cause myself in trying to protect others feelings. I realize how much I hurt myself in doing what I think “I should do” instead of what I truly want to do. Not being true to myself – causes pain and I finally get it. There is freedom in being who you are. Freedom when you are confident that your motivations and actions are true.
What did I see on Oprah’s site? I discovered the next book I will read and I learned a lesson about pain. There will always be pain in life. An accident, a loved one lost, the ending of a relationship, even saying good-bye to a child about to begin college. I can make that pain my identity and use it as an excuse, letting it affect my every day life or I can acknowledge the pain and be a lake. Watch and you will see what I mean.
Oprah Shares a Favorite Passage from The Book of Awakening