In Parenting Let Your No Be No

I was at Target the other day waiting in line when I struck up a conversation with a three-year old. She was telling me about her new red dress and her upcoming visit with Santa. Her father was busy entertaining her one year old sister. Every once in a while he would look back at his older daughter and make a comment. “You’re not a baby. Stop sucking your thumb.” “Keep an eye on our stuff.” When I mentioned how well the little girl could carry on a conversation he replied, “We’ve been working on it.”

To me this three-year old was still just a baby but to her father she was the “big sister.” Suddenly, I could clearly see how birth order affects our personalities and outlook on life. At three years old this girl was already taking on responsibilities. Her father needed her to because the younger sister was demanding his time and attention. To one child his message was you’re capable, be responsible and help out, and to the other, if you misbehave you get all my attention.

I don’t think it’s something you realize when you’re parenting young children. How differently you treat them and what messages you’re sending when you’re just trying to get through the day as peacefully as possible. I can say as a people watcher I notice often how parents admonish the oldest for misbehaving when it’s the younger sibling who initiates a squabble. From the parent’s point of view the oldest should know better. The only thing is the oldest may be three, still a baby themselves, their parents just don’t realize it because they’re the “big brother or big sister.” How many times did I expect excellent behavior from Arielle and make excuses for her younger brother when he threw a tantrum? Oh, it’s the Italian in him or the boy in him. Silly.

However, the best parenting advice I was ever given was “Let your no be no.” In other words once you say no you better hold to it and not give in no matter how big the tantrum. Because if you give in your child will consistently search for boundaries. Test you over and over because they feel insecure with having gotten their way. We held to that advice. We had one child that easily accepted the no and another who had screaming, fist pounding, toy throwing tantrums…until he was three and half…and then it subsided. He knew no was no.

I’m sure we treated our children differently based on birth order and probably, though, I hate to admit it, gender. It’s possible I put more expectations on Arielle while letting Kai get away with less responsibility as the youngest. One thing I can say with certainty is that part of the reason we were able to take so many trips as a family, and bring our kids wherever we went was because they were well-behaved and enjoyable to be around. Why? Because someone long ago told me, “Let your no be no.”