Battling the Ego
I’ve been reading a lot about ego and how it affects my life. My goal is to go throughout my day conscious, grateful, and open to new experiences, free from the harm my ego can cause. The more I live in the moment the more joy I feel.
It’s easier to live in the moment when I’m home with my animals, working on my novel. For the most part, they bring me peace. It’s when I interact with the public that suddenly I’m challenged to practice what I’ve learned.
Here’s an example. I had spent hours putting together marketing packets for my new book ELLE & BUDDY. I had a stack of manila envelopes ready to mail and a long list of errands afterward. The next day I was leaving for Los Angeles.
When I arrived at the post office there was a long line. Lines don’t bother me I can use the time to answer emails or peruse pictures on Instagram. I waited. The woman in front of me was very upset. She didn’t like having to wait and decided to try to include me in her negative talk berating the employees who were several feet away. It’s never my intention to hurt the heart of anyone, but when someone’s being rude I don’t want to get involved. I kept quiet with my eyes on my phone.
When I reached the desk and plopped down all my envelopes, the employee asked me if they all weighed the same. They did. I had been through this several times before and each time the envelopes were weighed individually and placed in a bin. This time, however, the employee disappeared for several minutes and then returned with two sheets of stamps. He told me to take all the envelopes and stamps and put two stamps on each envelope. He handed me a white bin and said to put the envelopes in the bin and return it to him when I was done. Immediately, my peaceful feeling began to fade. I had already waited in the line and was a half hour behind schedule. Now, he wanted me to put stamps on all the envelopes. I nodded, rushed over to a table and worked fast. Then I took the bin back to him. He was talking to another customer and only had to reach out and take it. He didn’t. He ignored me. The worker beside him kept glancing my way and then to him. She was thinking what I was thinking. Take the bin! Perhaps it was the teacher in me who had been able talk to one student while collecting papers from others that couldn’t understand his lack of multitasking. Then without acknowledging me he walked away, leaving me standing there with his white bin. The tiny bit of anger (ego) I had felt when he told me to put the stamps on the envelopes grew to enormous proportions the second he walked away. I wanted to shout, “Oh, no you didn’t!” It was like I had morphed from peaceful David Banner into the Hulk in .3 seconds. I was very aware (and embarrassed) of the anger I was feeling.
I called the employee’s name twice to let him know I was leaving the bin. He didn’t turn around so I set the bin on the counter and left wondering how I’d gone from completely calm to furious in such a short time. Ego. His ego clashed with mine. Perhaps he thought I was the one complaining in line when the lady in front of me tried to bring me into her negativity. Perhaps he just didn’t want to take the time to individually weigh all the envelopes. Maybe he had a need to show his authority over women? Maybe it was my thinking that he had a need to show his authority over women that was the trigger of my own rage. Who knows why he acted like he did? All I can do is evaluate the situation from my point of view. Obviously, I was upset because my expectation was that he would weigh the envelopes and immediately take them. When my expectation wasn’t met, I was annoyed but willing to do what needed to be done. The anger came when I was told to return and then blatantly ignored. In that moment I could have chosen to stay calm, present, breathe, and understand that while I couldn’t control his behavior, I could control mine and stand there and wait peacefully not letting his behavior infect me. Instead, my ego challenged his, which left me feeling awful. That tumultuous stirring after an encounter with another that leaves your mind playing the scene over and over which fuels more anger…ego. Our ego thrives on the “us versus them” mentality.
The ego can trick us into thinking that everyone should behave the way we expect, believe what we believe, give us respect, and fool us into assuming that the path we choose to take in life is the best path.
Life is full of lessons. Even though I practice gratefulness, read inspirational books, and meditate it doesn’t mean that I’m an expert when it comes to everyday encounters with people. I’m always growing and learning. My ego can rear its ugly head at any moment but from what I’ve learned the first step in being able to deal with it when it does is simply recognizing it’s there.
