Change Happens

Sometimes I drive my husband crazy. I’m a planner. I’m not the type of planner that schedules every minute of every day or travels with a daily itinerary. That type of planning stresses me. I’m a life planner. I want to know where we’ll be in ten years. I’ll say things to him like, “I think we should look for land in North Carolina because I love the mountains. I want to have several horses, and Miami may be under water one day.” He replies, “Okay,” because he’s lived with me long enough to know logic like, we know one person in North Carolina, have no idea how to care for horses, and when Miami sinks we’ll move, doesn’t stand a chance against my dreamer mind. Living day-to-day without a long-term plan for life, while comforting for my husband, can be frightening for me. Tell me where we’re going please because I need the certainty that I’m heading in the right direction. I have dreams to fulfill while I’m here, and I need a plan. Well, here’s the catch. Even with a plan life can get scary.

Why? Because Change Happens Despite Our Plans.

In my writing room is a painting of the house my grandparents owned in Vineland, New Jersey. This house was the home of many of my childhood memories. From swimming in the pool every summer to waking up Christmas morning and coming downstairs to find a bike with a sparkly blue banana seat. I loved that house. On my thirteenth B-Day, I found out my grandparents were selling it. They had been snow birds for years and had decided to move to Cape Coral full-time. I was crushed. Their house felt like a part of me. How could they let go of a place that held such precious memories? For the first time, even though I had lived in several states by thirteen, I felt the fear of change. My grandparents house was my stability. The place I came home to. I suddenly realized that what I thought would last forever was really only a moment in time.

Then it happened again this past December when my husband came home with the news that the company he works for was sold. He was the Vice President, and we thought our life was pretty well mapped out for years to come. Not so. When such news hits, it’s one of those times where you find yourself being very still, concentrating on your breath and telling yourself everything will be all right. Then your mind takes off like a stallion conjuring new life plans. For a short time, I wanted to buy a motor home and travel the United States despite the fact that I hate camping. I felt a huge sense of anger, betrayal, and fear. I wanted to run away. I hated the uncertainty. I hated being torn between being a supportive wife and fearing for my husband’s job every morning when he left. My husband, in his calm brilliance, explained to me that our life was never certain before the company sold. Even though we had planned on buying it ourselves and living in the Cape for years, there was really no guarantee that would happen. I was angry because my expectation, my plans, had been crushed, forcing me to see the reality that life is uncertain even if you’re traveling a path you think will take you to a particular destination. Something can happen to force you onto a different road. Then it becomes your choice as to whether you’ll stand still, move ahead slowly always looking back with anger and regret or accept what is and journey knowing there may be an even better destination, one you never imagined, along the way.

So here we are with an uncertain future that was really uncertain all along despite my long-term planning. My husband’s enjoying his new role at the company and is excited about all the changes. I’m reminded of my 19-year-old self who leaped without a net following a path I thought would lead to becoming an actress and ending up on the road that led to wife and mother. What a journey it has been! Thank goodness for sudden changes in plans. When roadblocks present themselves, and what we thought would be isn’t, it’s frightening. But there is a sense of freedom in the unknown. A freedom that can lead to visions of land and horses in the mountains of North Carolina. A freedom that can lead to a future reimagined.