Left Out

Left Out

She stood on the playground. Everyone a stranger. New Gloria Vanderbilt shirt, gold necklace, Nike’s powder blue trainers, she chose the outfit carefully hoping they’d see she was worth getting to know. Everyone had scattered playing in their groups. She stood there. Adults were easier to talk to. She watched. She was alone.

By the time I finished fourth grade I had been to six different schools. This gave me the opportunity to be a keen observer of human behavior, but it also left me feeling as though I was a constant outsider not fitting into any group. I was a loner.

Once I began to find friends in middle school and then high school, the pain of being alone taught me to spot others who were on the outside too and to reach out to them. I recognized the difference between being a part of a group and wishing I was part of a group. When friends surrounded me, it brought security a sense of importance and acceptance. It was a false shield against loneliness. The only problem was when the group would get gossipy or mean toward others, then that pain I felt when I was left out would return. I couldn’t understand why people could suddenly become mean. Didn’t they know what it felt like to be on the outside? Why treat others that way? Was being mean their self-protection? Was it fear? If I leave someone out, then it makes me feel strong in belonging, and therefore I won’t feel the pain of being different or being left out.

We are all loners. We have our families, friends, co-workers, Facebook friends, Twitter followers, cohorts, teammates, and clubs. However, that feeling of not being enough or fear of not being accepted resides in everyone. Some try to fill the hole with food, addictions, material goods, accomplishments, money, anything to soothe the pain or lure us into a false sense of importance. If others think I’m important, then I’ll be important and have respect. We all want to feel seen, heard, and as if we matter. What I’ve learned through observation is that there is no career, no mansion, no amount of money that can ever fill the hole of not good enough.

The only thing that can…

Ourselves, knowing that to be alive, being here, having another day is enough. Focusing on all that we have and all that we are now, not what we will be or have one day, is enough. It seems like it should be so easy to do,  simply being happy to be alive, to have another day. Unfortunately, it’s too easy to take for granted that’s why for me it’s a daily practice.  I have to remind myself to stop striving and to stop and smell the roses. I’m not kidding. I bought myself a dozen roses yesterday, and wow, they add color and fragrance to my living room! I’m grateful every time I see them.

If I could go back and whisper to that little girl on the playground, I’d tell her to be brave and say hello to someone. I’d tell her that it’s more important in life to help others than to wish others would see us. I’d tell her that pain was a good teacher and finally, I’d tell her that she didn’t need to grow up and become a doctor, lawyer, actress, writer, astronaut or billionaire. She needed to grow up loving herself, grateful, helpful, knowing we are all connected, and having a constant curiosity and wonder for life. If she had those things, she’d be content. She’d feel joy. And I’d tell her that joy was a great best friend because joy would always make her smile.