Waiting

I’ve been waiting for a miracle or for lightning to strike, a moment when everything becomes clear and I know exactly which path I should take next. I’ve never known such freedom to choose. My life, schedule, responsibilities began at an early age and then slowly, like a train easing into a station my adventure came to an end. I feel as though I’m still wandering around the station waiting for the next train to appear. The problem is I don’t know what it looks like or where it’s headed.

Somedays I stress. Make a decision! Other days I remind myself to be patient. I’m apprehensive because I want to make sure I do something that matters.

There was a time when I thought that in order to matter I had to do great things. Then when I thought about the people that mattered to me, it wasn’t based on their accomplishments or titles. It was based on whether or not they showed kindness, offered support or cared about me.

Tonight as I sat to write in my journal I found myself questioning again. I wrote down all my future possibilities hoping one would magically light up the page. Choose me! All of them led to an eventual destination of community service, but each taking years to accomplish. Which one?  Pick one! I don’t know…

I gave up and began my list of things I’m thankful for. I was thankful I could take trips and visit people I cared about. I was thankful for having three days at home with my husband who travels a lot. Thankful for the neighbors who invited us over for an impromptu garage party on a beautiful Florida evening. Thankful both my kids were texting me about their exciting lives. Suddenly, I realized that while I was stressing over which path to take life was showing me that every day is an opportunity to matter. Spending time with a friend, words of kindness, being there for loved ones, all of that matters!

So for today, I’m letting myself off the hook from making a decision. I’m not sure how long I’ll be at this station waiting for my next adventure. I’m hoping the train has a loud whistle when it arrives! Meanwhile, I find comfort in knowing I’m making a difference even while I wait.