The Bad Wife

“I CAN is 100 times more important than IQ.” I saw this poster hanging on the wall at my son’s school. The amount of effort I put into something directly affects the outcome. This pertains to work, family, friendships, everything in my life.

I remember once when I was young, I was asked to sweep all the fall leaves from our driveway. I wanted to play football with the neighborhood boys, not waste my day sweeping. After a short time, I asked my father if the drive way was “good enough” in hopes that he would set me free from my bothersome chore. His reply was “Did you do the best job you could?” I stood there in a conundrum. Why couldn’t he give me a simple yes or no? Why did he have to ask me that question? I was stuck. I knew I hadn’t done the best job I could but I really wanted to play football. My mind screamed, say NO! But I heard the word “yes” flow out my mouth. I suppose this incident stayed with me because I lied and it has always bothered me. He was trying to teach me to put effort into my work but unfortunately I didn’t learn how to do that until at nineteen, I was on my own in Los Angeles, Ca. with a pile of bills. This was before my Yugo and I had to walk several miles to the West Side Pavilion where I folded shirt after shirt at the Gap. Suddenly sweeping the driveway didn’t seem so bad.

Now, I preach to my children the necessity of putting effort into their work. I present stories to my students with lessons of effort and I tell them to think “I can” instead of “I can’t.”

The problem I continuously face is how do I as an adult put one hundred percent effort into everything in my life? I want to be a better mother, wife, writer, teacher, friend, cook, closet organizer, body builder, and gardener but how do I do it all well?

The amount of stress I put on myself for success in two or three areas of my life has a negative effect on the others. One look at my closet and this will become embarrassingly evident. But worse than my neglect of my closet has been my neglect of my partner in life- my husband. So much of my effort has gone into my children, my writing, my teaching, and household chores that I have come to the conclusion that little effort has been put into my marriage. After over twenty years together I grew lazy in my assumption that a marriage needs no effort. After “I do” it became “I’m done.” My excuse being that we are both busy and some day we’ll have more time together.

A friend recently told me of how her husband of many years did not get her a birthday present. I was stunned. I questioned how this happens in a marriage. My friend is one of the most giving people I know when it comes to her family. I saw the hurt in her eyes and I felt the tears well in mine. I knew that I had caused my husband the same pain by being complacent and not recognizing his importance in my life-not making the effort to show I care.

Perhaps my focus on efforts towards success in work was outweighing my efforts towards success in relationships.

“I CAN is 100 times more important than IQ.” I saw this poster hanging on the wall at my son’s school. The amount of effort I put into something directly affects the outcome. This pertains to work, family, friendships, everything in my life.

It is my job to prioritize those efforts and to forgive myself when some of those aspects of my life come up short, for I am only one person living my life the best “I can.”