What I’ve Learned About Marriage and Love

What I’ve Learned About Marriage and Love

I’ve written a lot about my children. In fact, the original title of this blog was Parenting With a Dash of Inspiration. I’ve included my husband in many posts, but I haven’t written much about our relationship. There’s a reason for that…

It scares me. Even though I’ve been with my husband for a long time, I never felt like I could ever offer marriage advice. Marriage is tough. I’m not an expert. But we are still together after twenty-nine years so I thought I could be brave, open up a little bit and share what I’ve learned.

The Beginning

I suppose the fact that I fell in love with someone who didn’t believe in marriage should have been the first sign that the road ahead was going to be bumpy. We went through a lot of rough terrains, especially in the beginning. Looking back I now understand the irony. Eric understood what marriage was; I didn’t. I let the fairy-tales, romcom’s and societal pressure influence my future vision of married life. It took years for me to stop comparing the love he showed with the love portrayed in cinematic love stories. I wanted the fairy tale, and anything less meant not enough love. Not true.

Seven Things I’ve Learned About Love and Marriage

1. Fairy tales suck! Sorry, princess fans. Teaching little girls that their goal in life should be to grow up and marry a prince charming instead of getting a great education and career is dangerous. May I suggest a chemistry set or books about strong independent women instead of glass slippers and an itchy gown. An explanation that marriage can be wonderful when two people enter into it knowing who they are and are ready to make a serious commitment is much better than someday your prince will come to your rescue.
2. Staying committed to the commitment is necessary in the most difficult of times.  I learned this phrase from a friend, and it’s helped me through many tough times. Of course, I must add as she did, committed to the commitment unless there is infidelity, drug use or abuse.
3.  It’s possible to love someone and be furious with them. The love is buried underneath the pain. Once you dig through the ugliness of unmet expectations, fear, shame or insecurity, you’ll get to the love crouching below.
4. Partners are not mind readers. If I were to say, “Don’t get me anything for our anniversary” and then secretly hope he’d surprise me and do something romantic well I’d be setting myself up for disappointment. My husband hears my words and takes them literally. It’s important to communicate exactly what you mean to your partner like “Could you do the dishes or fold the laundry?” Once I said to my husband, “I don’t want to have to ask you to do the dishes. I just want you to want to do the dishes.” His reply, “In what universe would I want to do the dishes?” Asking calmly works much better than hoping and being disappointed.
5. Communication really is key. Once when we were dating, me living in LA and Eric in Newport Beach, he didn’t call me for eight days. I had already decided, without picking up the phone, that it was over. Didn’t he care? How could he let so much time go by without calling? I had an entire drama playing out in my mind meanwhile he was working and playing his computer games. He had no idea we were broken up. I’m sure I was the one who eventually called first, and I’m positive it was not a fun phone call for him. Twenty-nine years later we understand each other much better and joke about that day, however, communicating how we feel, the meaning behind things we say, is still something we work on.
6. Forgiveness along with an understanding of how each other thinks is as important as communication. I’m not one of those women who can bottle up emotions in a marriage. What I’m feeling is written all over my face and will eventually spill out. Oh, the things we’ve said to each other… I’m passionate, I feel anger pulsing through my veins when I’m upset, I say things. I’m driven, I have high expectations, I say things. Everything horrible that I’ve said stems from insecurity and fear. The greatest fear, fear of my life changing, him leaving, so I prepare by imagining a life without him. Recently I read in BECOMING, Michelle Obama’s memoir, that once a year her mother would want to leave her marriage. When I read that it wasn’t just me who had such feelings, I felt great relief. Hey, me too! About once a year I panic. I worry. What if we’re both holding tight to something when we should be letting go? Even though I dreamed of marriage and family when I was little, I also made a promise to myself as a teenager that I’d never stay in an unhappy marriage. That promise has haunted me because I’m constantly evaluating my marriage.  Am I happy? Is he happy? Eric on the other hand who said those vows twenty-three years ago meant them without question. He doesn’t think about the what if’s like I do. My marriage report cards have been exhausting for him and have required lots of understanding and forgiveness. He knows now that within five minutes I can come up with several unique plot lines for our lives moving forward ones where we’re together and ones where we’re not. I too must forgive myself for the times I wasn’t so sure marriage was for me because it’s through forgiveness that I can understand where the fear comes from, acknowledge it, and move past it. I’m finally on the moving past it stage. I guess what I’m trying to say is that on your journey with your partner if there are times when you want to give up, it’s normal–at least in our case. And just like #3 , the love is there waiting to be uncovered.
7. Growing up with someone is fantastic! We’ve raised two children together, built a home together, traveled to many countries together, spent endless hours in conversation, and continue to dream about our future. Eric’s my best friend. I learned that love is a deep friendship. Romance, desire, falling in love are all like the waves of an ocean. They come and go as the weather changes. Love is the ocean. It supports us and guides us on this great adventure!