Three Things I’ve Learned About Gratitude

When my kids were little, we attended lots of activities. There were piano lessons, basketball, soccer, tee ball, trips to the library, zoo, museum, birthday parties, and many play dates with friends. Because we lived in the land of sunshine rare was the day we stayed home.

I remember as a young mom driving home after afternoon outings with my children, often feeling exhausted in need of alone time, stressed over what I’d make for dinner, and listening to them bicker or complain. I’d get upset. Here I was doing all I could to make sure my children had a wonderful life, and they seemed ungrateful. I remember explaining to them the importance of the words thank you and of using them. I’m sure I said it more than once as I have distinct memories of both my children climbing in the car and immediately expressing thanks after an afternoon with their friends.

I was doing everything I could to give them the perfect childhood. At least that’s how I saw it then. Sure it was about manners; But now I see there was more to the importance of those two simple words (thank you) hiding under the surface. I wanted recognition. I wanted my kids to realize all I was doing for them. I wanted them to be appreciative, to think of me as a good mom. I wanted others to see me as a good mom every time my kids said thank you. I wish I could say that I was doing it because I knew if they didn’t learn to be grateful for things, life would be much harder. I understand that now. I didn’t then. As a young mom, I needed to hear those words to prove to myself that I wasn’t raising Veruca Salt spoiled brats that expected and expected without appreciation.

Gratefulness. I’ve learned three things so far. First, it requires feeling. There’s a difference between having good manners, saying the words thank you, and feeling gratitude. I’m glad I taught my children manners, however, I wished I had had the understanding back then to teach them what it truly meant to be grateful. Gratefulness is sitting outside on a beautiful day and feeling joy while watching the sunset. Gratefulness is feeling loved when my daughter knows I’m sad and brings home flowers and mint chocolate chip ice cream. Gratefulness is seeing my son’s smile when his family decorates his dorm. Gratefulness is when my husband takes time from his busy schedule just to call and tell me how much he loves and misses me. Gratefulness can be recognized in life’s moments. Accessing feelings of gratefulness is available all the time yet often overshadowed by distracting thoughts. All those years ago when I sat in the car hoping to hear the thank yous, distracted by the next thing I had to do, I should have expressed my own gratitude for my incredible friends, for singing and talking in the car with my kids, for coming home and having a family dinner. I should have modeled that gratitude for my children.

The second thing I learned about gratefulness is that everyone has to learn to be grateful in their own time. It’s easy to teach children to say thank you, but you can’t make them feel grateful.

And finally, I learned that gratefulness must be a practice. Like choosing to eat healthy and exercise, learning to stop thoughts that are on autopilot and feel gratitude takes daily practice. With practice comes peace.

“This is a wonderful day. I’ve never seen this one before.” Maya Angelou

Photo by gabrielle cole on Unsplash