Teaching Positive Self-Talk

A new She Said, He Said post is coming next week. Eric needed some time off. He told me writing was hard work. I said, “Welcome to my world.” He said, “I hate your world.” I laughed. Anyway, he agreed to at least two more She Said, He Said posts. The first will be next week. I’m keeping the topic a surprise.

Besides editing my novel and training for an imaginary half marathon (I forgot to register and it’s full). I’ve been taking Brené Brown’s Udemy online course The Power Of Vulnerability. I. LOVE. It! However, I’m sure Eric is thinking to himself, if she says the word vulnerable one more time… What can I say, I’m excited about what I’m learning and I’ve felt the need to educate my husband. Once a teacher always a teacher.

While I’m on the subject of teachers just yesterday I told Eric how thankful I was for my fourth-grade teacher, Mrs. Paterno, at Reber Elementary School in Vineland, New Jersey. She put me in a creativity class where we wrote stories. Suddenly I felt as though there was something I was good at. She probably recognized my super power daydreaming abilities.

How that relates to Dr. Brown’s course

Dr. Brené Brown mentioned a statistic in her research. She said the 85% of the men and women she interviewed remembered something so shaming that happened to them in school that forever changed how they thought of themselves as learners. As a former teacher, when I heard this I began searching my memory trying to make sure I never hurt a student by something I said or did. There is no stress like teacher stress and as much as I’d like to believe I always made the right choices, the reality is I was often overwhelmed and exhausted as a teacher. Hopefully, if I hurt a student by something I said, I apologized. Brené then went on to mention that half of the 85% were creativity scars. The shaming the interviewees felt centered around writing, performing, or art. I was lucky to have had Ms. Paterno in my life.

Even though I’m focusing on the classroom if you are a parent I HIGHLY, HIGHLY recommend you read Brené’s books or take her Udemy course. Her Parenting Manifesto is something I wish I would have read years ago.

Shame in the Classroom

There is a difference between shame and guilt. Shame is dangerous while guilt can actually bring about change. Telling the difference between the two is easy. Shame’s self-talk sounds like “I’m bad.” “I’m a loser.” “I’m so stupid.” Guilt’s self-talk sounds like: “I really shouldn’t have done that because…” Guilt focuses on the behavior while shame focuses on the self.

The Classroom

Teachers cannot tell which students will process an incident as shame or guilt. For example, let’s say a teacher is in the middle of a lesson. He looks up and sees Craig playing with objects inside his desk. This is a daily occurrence and the teacher is frustrated. He says, “Craig, how many times do I have to tell you to pay attention? Put that stuff away and look up here.” The teacher has no way of knowing whether Craig’s self-talk is “I’m so bad. That’s why I always get yelled at. (Shame)” Or “I shouldn’t have been playing with my erasers. (Guilt)”

Teachers who are aware of shame and the difference between shame and guilt can focus on correcting the behavior. The teacher could have said “Craig, are you able to listen to me and hold those erasers at the same time?” Craig may be a kinesthetic learner who needs to move to facilitate learning. However, there’s still a risk that simply being singled out can cause shame in Craig. The best way to have a shame-free classroom is to teach kids shame resilience.

The First Lesson In Shame Resilience is to Recognize Shame

Brené Brown gave an example of how she has a no name calling rule in their house. It sounds pretty normal, right? I mean how many parents would allow their children to call each other names. Well, the no name calling extends to self-talk. For example if I tried cooking a new dish and it ended up tasting horrible I would not be allowed to say out loud or to myself “I’m such a terrible cook.” or “I’m so stupid I can’t even follow a simple recipe.” That would be name calling self-talk. Basically, it’s damaging my own sense of worthiness. It’s feeling shame. A better example would be to say or think, “I must have made a mistake with the recipe. Oh well, let’s order pizza.” The lesson would be that I’m human and I make mistakes instead of I’m a terrible cook.

Teaching students the difference between “I am bad,” and “I did something bad,” is a skill that students will carry with them throughout their lives. Dr. Brown gave the example of when her daughter was in kindergarten, her teacher said to her, “Ellen you’re so messy.” Ellen replied “I’m not messy. I’m making a mess.” Having a no name calling rule in the classroom would help students recognize shame and build their self-worth.

Imagine if we taught students shame resilience. Imagine the adults they would grow up to be. Good Stuff!