She Said

When I was expecting our first child people told me that my life was about to change, I was going to feel a love like no other, and to sleep as much as I could before the baby arrived. I always listened, nodded, smiled, and agreed that yes my life was going to change. I had no clue how much.

Then I held my little girl in my arms.  As she studied my face calmly with her big blue eyes, a thought played over and over in my mind I’m a mom. Even though people had told me how much my life was going change I had no idea of the emotions involved until I became responsible for her life.

Mom became my identity. Four years later our son Kai was born. Seventeen months later I became a foster mom. Being a mom was everything to me. When Arielle started preschool I met other moms and a dad and we spent endless afternoons with our kids at each others houses, the beach or the park. Our children became lovingly known as the playgroup.

There were birthday parties, stories at the library, trips to the zoo, and countless days swimming at my Grandmother’s community pool.

When Arielle and Kai reached school age the activities increased. There were violin, piano, and drum lessons, biddy basketball, dance lessons, plays, soccer practice, Odyssey of The Mind, field trips, steel drum performances, track meets, symphony performances, and summer camps. The music in my car during our travels went from Rafi to Radio Disney to I’m Sexy and I Know It.

My days were scheduled from morning to night. I. Was. Busy. So busy I begged Eric to take over Sunday piano lessons so I could have a few hours to myself.

Then when Arielle received her first college acceptance letter it hit me. An end was looming in the distance. I could see it but not understand its intensity. My friends whose children graduated the year before warned me. It hurts. But just like the words of people telling me how much my life would  change when I was pregnant I was not able to comprehend the emotions of saying goodbye to my daughter and our daily life together in the same house.

We all dropped her off at college her freshman year. We took pictures and joked about her being so far away. Between the chaos of move-in day and knowing everyone was waiting for my breakdown, I held it together pretty well. Of course, I stayed at a hotel nearby for a week claiming it was just in case Arielle needed me but knowing it was more for me than her. Even though I was excited for her new adventure I was losing my job, my identity, a part of me.

It wasn’t until I came home that the effects of Arielle being away really gripped my heart. Seeing other moms with young children suddenly brought tears to my eyes. How could it be over? The reality that I was moving into another phase of my life scared me. I was worried I didn’t do a good enough job parenting, worried I was getting old, worried about my future and most of all worried about my daughter’s safety. Walking by Arielle’s empty room brought sadness. I missed her energy and excitement. Arielle had always brought friends over. When I would come downstairs after one of her movie nights I’d never know how many teens I’d find sleeping  in my living room. Kai preferred to keep school and home separate so our house was always quiet. It was different. I also had to get used to living with two boys. Dinner conversations changed from stories of high school life to computer games, YouTube videos, fast cars, and movies with explosions.

With my new understanding of just how quick the high school years flew by I had a whole new perspective when Kai became a freshman. My focus changed from the everyday issues of grades and the cleanliness of his room to my long term relationship with him. I was acutely aware that I had four years left with my son at home. I was going to make the best of them. His room’s been a disaster ever since, but our relationship is stronger. I gave him the independence he had always craved. With each step back I took the greater his maturity grew.

My role as parent has been redefined. I know my children still need me they just need me a lot less than when they were younger. I get to listen to their excitement over their new experiences, be a life coach when it comes to relationships, offer guidance when they’re faced with difficult decisions and help them move year after year as they transition from dorm to apartments. I get watch Arielle race in marathons and listen to Kai’s songs. I get to be their cheerleader and their rock. I also get to watch their incredibly close relationship with their father which brings me joy.

There are still days when I can’t believe it’s over. I look at the pictures from the past and try to imagine their tiny voices again or what it was like when they laid their head on my shoulder as I carried them in my arms. I’m grateful to have had so many precious moments with my children. Now I’m grateful for what is to come–for their future and for mine.

He Said

“We’re going to have a baby.” Possibly the most terrifying words in the English language. They eclipse, “Do you know why I pulled you over,” “Give me your wallet,” and even “The IRS would like to see your records for the last 7 years.” By a long shot. We’re talking total life change. Being responsible for another human life? I couldn’t even remember to change the oil in my car (sorry Subaru), there was no way I was ready for that.

I didn’t know anything about babies, but here we were having one. Krista said I would be a great father, but I wasn’t so sure. Eventually though, much like Krista’s belly (love you, baby), the idea of being a father began to grow in me. This won’t be so bad. I’ll study up and prepare for what’s coming. So while Krista was reading books such as What to Expect When You’re Expecting, I was reading sage advice and gearing up for my role as well.

It turns out babies are unbelievably cool. Who knew? Just holding my daughter brought me incredible joy. Feeding her while cranking up Iron Maiden to counteract the classical music Krista had played to her in the womb, even more so. It was demanding, but oh so worth it.

But as neat as babies are, I was looking forward to her getting older. Then I would be able to wrestle with her and throw her around in the pool. I could communicate with her and find out if Arielle was really trying to become a ginger by dumping spaghetti on her head or if she was just tired of my cooking. Little did I know then that she would use that same amazing power of speech to simply demand another Barney episode (sigh).

Eventually, we decided that if one kid was great, two would be even better. What in the hell were we thinking? JK son <grin>.

And it was amazing! The kids were so cool and they just kept getting cooler with age. Sure there were some speed bumps, I vividly remember Arielle’s bag lady fashion phase and Kai screaming that this man is hurting me as I dragged him away from a toy store in the middle of a mall while everyone one around me looked on in horror. But overall, amazing!

I loved coaching them in t-ball, basketball and soccer; teaching them how to savor the triumphs, learn from the defeats and bask in the camaraderie. I enjoyed taking them to piano lessons, even though we had to drive an hour each way to get there every weekend. The time spent talking and singing in the car, the frustrations and breakthroughs as new pieces were introduced and mastered, and even the smoothies afterward were simply magical. So much of my life was focused on helping them and enjoying their company.

So when the time came to drop Arielle off at college, almost 1,200 miles away, my heart broke. Don’t get me wrong, I knew it was a good thing, the right thing even, to do. But the thought of being without daily contact from the girl that turned my life upside-down and made it more wonderful than I had ever dreamed was devastating. Still, I put on a brave face (and by brave face I mean one smeared with tears) and waved goodbye as we drove off.

To say we felt her absence is a huge understatement. Arielle is the best of both of us: Krista’s communication skills and compassion coupled with my energy and excitement. The house seemed much less alive without her presence.

But as time passed, the pain faded. It turned out that Arielle loved her new school. She was facing new challenges and making new friends and all of this invigorated her. Seeing her happiness and excitement brought me joy. Hearing her tales and living her adventures vicariously brought me a sense of peace that I did not feel when she first left. I realized that we had done a good job in preparing her for what was coming. She turned out to be strong, funny, happy, loving and independent – all the things we wished for her – and I couldn’t be more proud.

While I still love it when we are all together, I am much more at peace now with only seeing her occasionally. We still joke and laugh and prop each other up every week, but now it is done over the phone or via messaging and Facebook. It is not the same, but seeing her happy and forging her own path almost makes up for that. And I know there is so much more to come in her life: new adventures, jobs, boyfriends, kids. All good stuff. So while this stage of my life is coming to a close, the new one as confidant, mentor, and cheerleader is just beginning.

All of this makes me even more mindful of my relationship with Kai. He is already a junior, and will be heading off on his own in a little over a year as well. So I’m off to spend some more time with my incredible son. And if it just so happens that I can use a little bit of this time to get some incriminating photos that I can later use to blackmail him in to staying in the state for college, well that’s just gravy.