Out Of Control

One snowy day in Pennsylvania, my mother and I drove our dog, Zach, to the vet. I was a young teen and sat in the front seat with Zach on my lap. On our way down a hill, the car hit a patch of ice and began spinning and spinning. I screamed for the car to stop. The feeling of being completely out of control gripped me as tight as I frantically clutched the golden retriever. Suddenly the car jerked forward. It was over.  Although we had fallen into a ditch, we were all okay.

When I think of times in my life that I’ve felt the most fear, they were all times when I felt out of control. Something unexpected had happened that was not part of my everyday plan or life grand plan. At first, I’d react in shock and panic. My thoughts scrambling to make sense of my reality. Then fear would charge in, followed by anger, sadness, and all the negative what if’s. Eventually, I’d get to a place of understanding the importance of letting go.

This past year from last May until now has been a great year of learning for me as if life has been yelling, why don’t you get it? Stop trying to control everything! Let Go and Live! It began when I unexpectedly broke my foot while on vacation, then there was the surprise classroom brawl, all of the unforeseen challenges of owning a horse, and a bizarre holiday season that didn’t go as planned. I’m finally getting it! I can dream and plan all I want, but manure happens. And when it does, it’s a wake-up call for me to find a way around it and not sit there and complain about the smell.

Now, Covid-19. My reality is a family member, friend, or myself can get ill and die. I’m reminded of it daily as I hear ambulance sirens. I do what I can to stay healthy, physically, and mentally but that’s all I can control. Knowing someone I love or myself can wake up ill tomorrow is frightening. Hearing stories of what others have gone through is heartbreaking.  The more I think about it, the darker my world becomes, and the what if’s march in like an army.

There is so much out of my control, so I’m practicing letting go.

For the past month, I’ve focused on living in the moment more than I have my entire life. I’ve danced with my husband, spent hours with Stella, written a story, and discovered a love for making ice cream. I’m learning about the Parelli program, taking a MasterClass, and some days I clean for hours because it makes me feel like I’m protecting us from the virus. I’m trying not to put pressure on myself to accomplish goals like writing a novel in the next few months or run twenty miles a week as I have in the past. It’s too much pressure added to the pressure of the pandemic. I’m giving myself permission to be childlike and notice the wonder in everyday living.

It’s as if the car is still spinning down the hill, out of my control, and only time will tell whether my family and I will be okay. In the meantime, I wake each morning, take a deep breath for which I’m grateful and live.

Photo by Ankush Minda on Unsplash